"Welcome to Wal-Mart! Do you need a 'buggy'?"
First off, how many times have you heard someone say this and wonder why they call a shopping cart a "buggy"? I seriously cannot figure it out to save my life. I have even tried researching the origins of the word and still have found nothing linking them together. I mean, seriously, how does a shopping cart have something to do with a bug? Typically, a buggy would be something you usually tow behind a vehicle or an animal. There are even buggies that you can drive over sand and rocks. Another thing called a buggy is usually a small infant. I don't know why, but they use the word for it.
Aside from the brain teaser that is the wheeled shopping companion, there are other more dangerous and confusing wild animals in the retail kingdom. Very rarely do you NOT see one in their natural habitat, sucking away at your very life essence as you try to escape their stupidity. Oh how I wish I had a bounty hunter license to help "control" the population. Anyways, aside from my demented realism of the store, here are a few encounters that I've had in the past that would most likely explain my insanity without any questions. Grab a snack and a comfy seat, this is going to be a wild ride. Pants not necessary.
Let's start with the religious group. Yes, I know, religion is a hot topic with everything in the media these days. However, this is the more laid back sense of the world view. Believe it or not, religious people are usually the worst complainers when it comes to anything that they have to purchase. It's as if they are trying to push their own self righteousness down my throat to swap out their phone because they dropped it on the floor, cracked the screen, and tried to blame it on an act of God. In fact, one of the worst people I had come up to the counter was probably one of the least expected type, the elderly vixen. This wild animal looked as though it had seen some hard times with the battle of her will versus the dreaded prune juice. She walked up to the counter and simply exercised her territorial cry.
"You know you are going to Hell for working for Wal-Mart on a Sunday, right?"
Really? REALLY!? At this point I was just overwhelmed with the vision of a giant number floating in the empty space of the world. This number kept going down and down, faster and faster. This number was my IQ. Her attack had caught me off my guard and I had little to retort in the matter. In fact, by the time I regained my consciousness, the only thing I could think to say was "Well I guess you are riding shotgun for supporting my filthy habit since you are in here buying something from me on a Sunday." Of course, I didn't say this out loud because it is against policy to use common sense at Wal-Mart. Instead I just said "Thank you for your insightful opinion. You have a great day now."
This is just the tip of the iceberg folks. There are plenty more customers where this came from. How about another, you say? Refill your drink and let's get rolling!
You like iPods, right? Lots of people do because they do more than just listen to music. Remember when MP3 players ONLY played music? Better yet, remember the original Walkman? I do because I had one. It was a nice one made by Sony. Oh you knew you had the good one because no only did it play tapes, it also had an FM radio in it! Whoooo boy were you high and mighty! Anyways, this athletic woman decides to stop in and purchase an iPod Touch one day. We were going through the transaction and everything was normal for once. In fact, being normal was probably the first warning sign of trouble. This was a sneaky creature indeed. Its main method of attack was pretending to be harmless, reeling in its prey into the attack that would paralyze it. When asked if the customer wanted to buy the protection plan that would protect the iPod from any damage that could happen to it, the sly creature had this to say.
"Oh I don't need a protection plan. I found Jesus. The rapture is coming soon, so if you haven't found Jesus, you need to. Thanks anyways."
What the hell? Seriously? I was so confused at what she just said that I stood there for at least 15 seconds not knowing what to do. I just finished the transaction and sent the customer on her way. Paralyzed with stupidity, I stood at the register for another 30 seconds just staring blankly into space. After a slow recovery from a very painful attack, all I could think of was "I wonder what would happen if I found Jesus, too... Would he also buy me an iPod for the rapture? Hell, if anything happens to it then he can heal it with one touch!"
I would go into more detail about the wonderful wildlife preservation system that I work in, but to see everything for yourself, and maybe learn a bit about yourself, I suggest you take the tour. We offer motorized carts for those who need the assistance, granted they have batteries that can carry you. You might want to bring a seat cover or some pocket disinfectant wipes. Don't ask, just trust me on this one. No shirt no shoes no service says nothing about the quality of pants you can wear, if any. Make sure to go to a doctor after your tour is finished. You can thank me later.
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Know any stories? Have a personal experience to tell? Why not leave a comment? As always, any feedback, positive or negative, is always welcome.
Thank you for choosing your neighborhood Wal-Mart!
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